This month marks the fourth year of the health spree. I’ve still only managed the 6 pounds. That’s all I’m going to say about that for the time being except that I’m still in for the journey. I’m not giving up. What I’ve come to accept is that life is a journey, yes, but I’m allowed to change the course and speed. I can either enjoy the trip and make the memories, or I can allow stress to take hold, arrive grumpy and die on my back seeing the sky for the very first time.
I’m proud of myself for maintaining the pace with my workouts and eating right in spite of the many changes I’ve been going through. Life at 50 has taken an interesting turn. At times I feel as though I don’t know myself at all. Other times I feel like a 24 year old kid making extraordinarily bad decisions for what seems like the first time. Still other times I’m just that crazy person on the street who talks to herself and wanders in circles. That’s all well and good, but I never seem to know who is going to show up at any given time. I do try to maintain a veneer of unification for those who are around me, but that’s tenuous at best.
Add to this a whole bunch of major life changes and I’m not sure where I’m going to end up mentally. Some of the things are challenging, but some are just new, strange and difficult for me to navigate well. There is fear and uncertainty. There is preventable chaos. That’s probably the most frustrating thing – seeing things unravel but the people who have the power to put it back together are choosing to do nothing. And I’m caught in the crosshairs. Awkward, to say the least.
There are other things in the mix I would like to share here, but some I’m not ready to commit to and others are just not mine to share. I’ll toddle along in ambiguity for a bit longer and post vague and cryptic posts here alluding to something big for a while longer. It’ll be fun. Like a mystery.